Couples realize their dreams through adoption

By Toni Hoh
For The Post-Crescent

Prospective parents enter the world of adoption for a variety of reasons, but their goal is always the same: to build or grow their family. Adoption is a viable option to making that happen.


The choices to be made along the adoption journey includes self-examination to help people decide if they're willing to make the emotional and financial commitments it can take to adopt a child. Questions about adopting from within the United States or abroad, the child's gender and the infant's or child's age also need to be answered.


For Lori and Kirk Rademaker of Kaukauna, the decisions were fairly easy.


"We found our way to adoption through infertility," Lori said. "When things didn't turn out the way we wanted them to, it took about two days to decide to adopt and another two days to decide we really didn't want to adopt a baby. We were snowmobiling and going up north and other things, so who wants to have a baby when you're trying to do those things?"


The Rademakers contacted Special Needs Adoption, a Wisconsin agency that helps find permanent homes for children ages 10-18 who exhibit particular emotional, behavioral or physical characteristics, are a member of a minority race, belong to a sibling group that must be placed together or are at risk of developing special care needs. Older children are usually in the Special Needs Network.


"Most people want small, white babies. They don't want to have to deal with the problems. They just group everybody who is hard to adopt into one category," Lori said. "I just wanted to be a mom. I didn't care."


The Rademakers started their journey early in 2000. By the end of the year they had two boys — brothers ages 8 and 11 — and five months later brought in another brother, age 5. Earlier this year the adoption became final for their only daughter, who came to them in 2004 at age 9. All are African-American and from Wisconsin.


The children — Timothy, now 17, Quintin, 15, Marsaide, 12, and Jeffrey, 11 — have put a new spin on the Rademakers' life.


"Kirk says it's like going from sitting in a recliner and all of a sudden somebody presses an eject button," Lori said.


Understanding the importance of keeping their children connected to their roots, the Rademakers recently hosted the remaining brothers of the boys' birth family for a few days.


"It was the first time all the brothers have been together in about six years," Lori said.


People considering adoption first need to contact an agency to begin the home study process, which includes several visits — individually and as a couple — as well as an assessment of the couple's home and personal lives. The process typically takes four to six weeks.


Kim and Scott Scheer of Appleton built their family through international adoption. Their daughters, Stephanie, 6, and Katie, 4, came from China.


"We tried locally for the first year, and we got nowhere," Kim said of their decision to adopt internationally. "After talking with friends, we decided it was hard, but it was best to go international. It's more expensive but definitely worth it."


The Scheers spent about $30,000 per adoption, including all agency fees, government fees and travel expenses to pick up their girls.


"You have to be serious and be financially set," Kim said. "The waiting period is bad. It's that emotional period where you have to keep active, keep busy while you're waiting. That's important. Sometimes money is not the problem. You just do what you have to do."


Their waiting periods were between 10 and 12 months, Kim said. Once the call came that they had been approved by the Chinese government and a child was waiting, the Scheers were traveling within five weeks. Each visit required a two-week stay in China.


The Scheers worked with Adoption Services Inc. in Appleton and with European Adoption Consultants, an Ohio-based agency that deals with adoptions out of China, Russia and Guatemala.


"Sharing their heritage is important. They ask questions already, especially Stephanie," Kim said. "I share the stuff that I can with her, but we don't know too much. Their birthdays are kind of an estimate. Some day when they're high school age we want to go back to China with them."


The application itself can be daunting due to intensity of questions prospective adoptive parents must answer. Kim estimates they spent three months on paperwork — disclosing everything from their ages and weight to physical problems and police records. "The list is just outrageous," she said.


The questions are definitely tough, according to Lori Rademaker, who remembers questions about sexual abuse, physical abuse and other uncomfortable topics.


"By the time you're done filling that out, you're almost physically sick because you think to yourself they have to ask that for a reason. It's unsettling."


"We go into some pretty significant stuff and get pretty involved in people's lives," said Bill Kern, regional supervisor for Lifelink International Adoptions, which has an office in Appleton. "We look at the history, the relationship ... everything. We have to make a recommendation to that country's government that this will be a loving home. If you wanted to have your own child, it's so much easier, but the countries giving up their children for adoption care just as much about their children as we do so they want to make sure the family can provide for the child's health, safety and welfare. It's the family dynamic, the environment and what kind of citizens they are."


International adoptions carry a significant legal process, according to Kern, because rules and laws change often in some countries. A Hague Treaty Convention out of Holland is helping to stem some of those differences by bringing countries together on standards and requirements. The United States is one of the approximately 75 countries so sign on to the agreement, which will "level the playing field" for international adoptions, Kern said.


Making the decision to adopt domestically or abroad is extremely individualized, according to Connie Freuler, accounts manager for Adoption Services.


"Some people have been trying fertility treatments, and they just don't want to have to wait in a pool," Freuler said. "Some don't want the birth mom to change her mind. They just want to get it done."


Adopting internationally is a little more certain, she said, because you're usually dealing with an orphanage and not a birth mother.


Among the reasons people turn to international adoption is to cut the wait time. Because not as many birth mothers are placing their children, domestic adoptions can come with a long wait.


"Some couples choose to stay with it and wait a year or two. Some couples might wait five years, but that would be the extreme," Freuler said, adding that most international adoptions go quicker. "You just have to wait for your invite to come over and adopt the child."


Adoption out of Guatemala or Russia is likely to take 1 to 1½ years, while adoptions out of Ethiopia — currently a popular choice due to shortened wait times — can happen quicker.


Kern offered estimated costs for international adoptions, not including travel expenses: China — $19,000-$21,000; Korea — $22,000; Ukraine — $33,000-$36,000; and Phillipines — $15,000. One-time federal and state tax credits are available for families who adopt.


Not all people will meet each country's standards for age, religion, etc.


Younger couples who really want the infant experience may be willing to wait longer, Freuler said. Other couples might already have children but want a larger family and want things to happen sooner.


Because their children were part of the Special Needs Adoption Network, the Rademakers' adoptions cost nothing.


Lori Rademaker offers advice to other people embarking on their own adoption journeys.


"You have to be a nurturing person. These kids come with baggage. You don't end up in a foster care situation because you had a good life. Be open to counseling. If it weren't for the counselor we used for the boys, our road would have been awful. In the beginning, it is overwhelming. You have to remember why you're doing it in the first place. You should just think of it as the nine months of being pregnant. Your trials are not so much physical, they're more mental. Be honest with yourself and with the professionals who are trying to help you."


Within the United States, birth parents often choose the couple with whom they want to place their child.


"That's how adoption has evolved," Freuler said. "Some birth moms want to know their child is in a good home. It's not the closed adoption anymore. It's becoming more open."


Freuler said she wishes, however, that the concept of putting a child up for adoption could be more widely accepted.


"There were more birth moms placing their children in 1996, but not so much anymore. The peer pressure is horrendous. They say, 'How can you give your kid away?' but birth moms have thought about this and have recognized that she cannot care for a child at this time. It's a very loving decision. It's not selfish."


Agencies remain in contact with adoptive and birth families long after the adoptions are final, according to Freuler.


"We are there to help them. We don't just dump (birth parents) or adoptive parents. Even 20 years from now, we want to help them with whatever they're going through. Adoption is a wonderful way to build your family."

Toni Hoh: pcfeatures@postcrescent.com

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